Growing Up Mixed

I was always a sensitive kid, wearing my heart on my sleeve, and wanted others to like me. I never really thought I was beautiful, though, no matter what people said. I could always find the beauty in others (and still do), but had a hard time seeing it in myself. I admired all the attributes of my friends and family. Always seeking other's approval, but that might partly be due to the fact that I'm an only child. I never really saw myself as being different, until other children started pointing it out.

6th-grade class photo.

I've had people tell me I have to choose sides of my racial background. That I have to be either white or black, or that they'll only acknowledge one or the other.  Some made fun of the fact that I sound "white" or dressed differently. (Especially since I was really into skater and surfer brands.) A kid in school asked me to repeat some rap lyrics in 9th grade homeroom just to laugh at the way I said it with no Ebonic accent (which I can speak that way if I wanted to). The white kids never really gave me the time of day since I wasn't into the same things they liked. This all made me feel alienated and I became a loner.

Around 8th or 9th grade.

I hung out with the other mixed kids, geeks, and outcasts since they were the ones that didn't bother with race. I knew everyone in the school but had very few real friends. Almost all of them eventually picked on me or made me feel like I wasn't "one of them." The only other group of friends that didn't seem to care as much about what I am (racially) where Latinos. None of my Latino friends bothered me about my ethnicity. It might come up once and that was it.

Through all this, I learned a lot about others and myself. I learned that I had to grow "thicker skin" in order to not let others get to me and hurt my feelings. That tweens and teens don't have a sensor. At that time in life, they blurt out just about anything they think of due to their developing brains. The portion of the brain that controls reasoning is shut down and under construction during those years. I just wish I knew that then. I did look at things from a different perspective, and still do, in regards to insults and negative talk. I would either not engage the person or agree with them. This would throw them for a loop since no one usually expects you to agree that your nose is ugly or that your mom is fat, etc. For the most part, I had to learn to be okay with being by myself rather than trying to "fit in" or be what I thought friends and acquaintances wanted me to be.

Long story short, growing up wasn't easy. I didn't always look the way I do now. I was awkward like all teenagers and kids (especially with how my body developed) which led to a LOT of people commenting or questioning my background. It wasn't until I reached adulthood that I didn't experience as many gawkers, inquisitors, or antagonizers pestering me with what was on their mind. It's kind of nice now to not be so noticeable, but it does make me wonder what they assume I am when there are no questions being asked.

Now I just need to figure out how to make life easier for my future child. I hope they won't have as many people invading their life with vexing comments and questions.